


a stage of fear and self-doubt

by eringilbert



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-12
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-07-23 13:07:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7464486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eringilbert/pseuds/eringilbert
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Do you promise that you won't tell the others?" Erin asked as if she was about to tell her worst secret.</p><p>Holtzmann smiled. "Of course," she replied. </p><p>***</p><p>Erin doesn't show up to work one day and Holtzmann just wants to know if she's okay</p>
            </blockquote>





	a stage of fear and self-doubt

**Author's Note:**

> First things first I don't own anything in this fic. That belongs to Paul Feig, Katie Dippold, and the good folks at Ghost Corps. But anyways, this fic is super relatable to me, as it deals a lot with mental illness. I struggle with it everyday, and I hope to start medication as soon as possible (although that might be awfully far away but whatever). However, if anything in here is inaccurate, please let me know <3
> 
> Title comes from "My Body Is A Cage" by Arcade Fire

Five missed calls. Thirty two text messages. Seven emails. Three voicemails.

All because Erin didn't show up at her usual hour.

She was normally very punctual; she always arrived at exactly 5:30 am to HQ. By the time the last team member arrived, she was already working on some bizarre equation or trying to solve some issue with their equipment. So when Abby arrived at around 6:00, the absence of Erin was definitely noticeable. She immediately began texting Holtzmann and Patty, who were probably just waking up.

'Hey guys. Have you heard from Erin at all?' -Abby  
'Bitch I just got up. And my alarm hasn't even rung yet! But no' -Patty  
'Well, she's not here. I hope everything is ok' -Abby  
'Damn. I'll call her. Maybe she's running late?' -Holtzmann  
'Just tried. Straight to voicemail' -Patty  
'There's no way she's late. If you've known her for as long as I have, she's a planning FREAK. She would've sorted out her late plan by now' -Abby  
'Aight I'm on my way now. We can talk about it when we're all here' -Holtzmann  
'Sounds good' -Patty  
'Ok' -Abby

And talk about it they didn't. Instead, they frantically tried reaching her any way they could. After about thirty minutes of attempts, Holtzmann remembered something.

"Guys," Holtzmann said, "I know where she lives."

Patty and Abby finally looked happy. It was the most concrete evidence of their colleague's whereabouts all morning. "That's awesome! But how do you know that?" asked the former with a skeptical look. Patty knew that Holtzmann had a major crush on Erin. She had been flirting with her on almost an hourly basis ever since they got the business kickstarted. By this point, Patty was getting very annoyed at the fact that they weren't already in a relationship.

Holtzmann shrugged her shoulders. "One time, I asked her for an extra phone charger. It was for that tracker prototype! But anyways, she said she had one and we swung by her place real quick." A thought came to her suddenly. "Wait, Abby, you didn't know where she lived?" she asked. 

Abby shook her head. "Remember, we hadn't seen each other in years?" Holtzmann snapped her fingers into little guns and replied with simply, "gotcha." 

And with that, she went off. Not before long, she had arrived. Holtzmann found that it was easier to weave through the intense New York City traffic if she squeezed herself around creepy alleyways and tight corners. If it wasn't for the intensity she displayed, she probably would've noticed the strange looks she got from the few passerby she encountered. Even the homeless people stopped what they were doing to trade confused looks at the bizarrely dressed woman. But that didn't matter right now. Holtzmann had to find her friend. She was a woman on a mission; a mission from God.

As she laughed at herself for what she considered a sick ass reference, she ran up the stairs of the apartment building to find Erin's place. Thankfully, she only lived on the second floor, so Holtzmann didn't have to run that far up. She ran all the way down the hallways to find Erin's place-

Open?

Sure enough, the front door was propped slightly open, as if Erin tired closing it but didn't quite lock it in properly. The sight at the door made Holtzmann's heart accelerate and she began to sweat. She muttered "holy fuck, oh my god, please don't let this be real" as she slowly opened the door with her finger. The apartment looked exactly the same as it did when Holtzmann picked up the phone charger; clean, organized, overall like something out of an HGTV show. Everything was in it's proper place and it seemed normal, until Holtzmann decided to see what was going on in Erin's wide-open bedroom.

Erin looked absolutely terrible. Although she was sleeping, she looked as though she had been up all night. She hadn't even taken off her Ghostbusters uniform. Her usually well-kept hair was mused and astray. 'What happened to her last night?' thought Holtzmann.

She had to shake the older woman three times in order to get her up. She rubbed her eyes, which were clearly displaying dark circles underneath, and muttered, "Who, wait, Holtz?" She was clearly confused. "What are you doing here? How did you-"

"I have a really good memory," Holtzmann began, "plus, we're all worried." She put a hand on Erin's shoulder. "You didn't show up at your normal time and you haven't been talking. Is everything okay?" Holtzmann asked as she pulled up her glasses. Erin loved it when Holtzmann pulled them up; although she tried her hardest not to show it, she sometimes looked at them for minutes. Holtzmann knew this, hoping to get an explanation by doing so. However, Erin just shook her head and muttered, "I'm fine," before falling back onto her bed.

Now Holtzmann was getting scared. She plopped on Erin's bed, shoes and all, so she can face Erin. Her head resting on her arm, she asked softly, "you and I both know that's a lie. What's wrong?" Erin gulped, obviously fearful of whatever secret she was keeping.

"Do you promise that you won't tell the others?" Erin asked as if she was about to tell her worst secret.

Holtzmann smiled. "Of course," she replied. 

"I, um, have," Erin began. Suddenly, tears started filling up and she started saying, "I'm sorry," continuously. It wasn't until Holtzmann cupped her cheeks in her hands that she composed herself. "Erin," she said, "it's okay. I'm here. You can tell me anything."

Erin gave a deep breath before saying, "I have a panic disorder. And depression. And the beginning stages of bipolar disorder."

Holtzmann gave a quizzical look at her for a moment. 'That was it?' she thought. Growing up in a large and fairly unstable family, she knew that both her father and mother had mental health problems. She grew up witnessing members of their family being forced into cars to be taken to the local mental institutions during reunions and barbecues. It was a miracle that she didn't develop any disorders, but maybe it can skip a generation or two. However, not everyone has the experiences that Holtzmann has, so she decided not to ask any obvious questions.

"Oh, well, are you seeing a therapist? Or taking medication?" she asked Erin, who had once again began crying.

"Y-yeah I am," she stuttered through hysterical fits, "b-but I-I-I forg-got to ta-a-ake my prescription." This clearly was a major issue for her. Why is this first time Holtzmann was hearing about this? Erin had known her for what, four months now? She wondered if Abby or Patty knew.

Then it hit her. 'Wait,' thought Holtzmann, 'why didn't I realize this before?' Erin had been acting strange throughout their job last night. It was a usual assignment, an old library over by Central Park. The head librarian had called in specifically for a trapping at night when nobody was using the facility. Erin had been cool, calm, and collected all day long. In fact, she was even looking forward to the task, anxiously telling everyone in the office how awesome it was that "a ghost decided to haunt a LIBRARY! That way they learn even while they're dead!" to which Kevin blatantly responded, "or maybe they just were bored to death and couldn't leave." But nobody really listened because they were just as fascinated as Erin.

Anyways, they had confronted the ghost (a cranky old woman who must've been a former librarian) in the "World History, 1600-1900" section when it happened. Erin just froze. She just stared at the ghost, a look of pure terror in her eyes. Patty and Abby were too busy trying to catch the ghost, though Holtzmann noticed Erin's bizarre behavior. Thankfully, she snapped out of her trance just as the Class III ghost was attempting to break free from the trap. They were able to get the apparition trapped, but Erin immediately left after the trap was set. She kept saying she was tired, so it didn't seem that unusual to the team.

But now here was Holtzmann, now hugging Erin and watching as the physicist sobbed into her vest. She absentmindedly began stroking her fingers through the other's long hair with the hopes that it would calm her down. Finally, after about five minutes of near silence, Holtzmann spoke again.

"Have you taken your medication today?"

Erin looked up and wiped her eyes. Sniffling, she said, "n-no." She slowly began to get up from the bed when Holtzmann grabbed her arm.

"Do you want me to get it for you?" she asked. If she could be able to take Erin's disorder away just to see her happy, she would in a heartbeat. She would do anything for her, even if her romantic feelings for her weren't requited.

Or were they?

That was the thought racing through Holtzmann's mind as Erin suddenly leaned down on the bed to give her a soft, quick kiss on the lips. Although it only lasted for a second, Holtzmann still tasted the saltiness of the tears. "Thank you, but I don't want you to get confused. I have a lot in there," said Erin.

That wasn't an understatement. Erin had to take down nearly five bottles just to get her medication. How many pills did this woman have to take? That wasn't the point though; the point was that she was fine, and possibly in love with her, but the former was more important.

Erin emerged back from the bathroom, finding Holtzmann now leaning on her pillows. She was on the phone when she asked, "hey Moody Judy, what toppings do you like on pizza?" Erin grabbed a small decorative pillow that laid on the floor, jumped on the bed, and playfully hit Holtzmann with it a couple times before giggling, "oh god, um, pepperoni is fine." Holtzmann repeated the order, wrote the bill quickly on her arm, and hung up. After laying the phone on the wooden nightstand, she flailed out her arms and fake cried, "oh no! Moody Judy is being SO mean! I think I'll be bedridden FOREVER!" before giving a dramatic gasp. Erin laughed as she flipped her off. 

"Oh really now? Let's see what it's like when Moody Judy tries to finish Whiny Wendy off!" Erin said as she climbed on top of Holtzmann and gave her a much deeper kiss. Erin's hands went straight to Holtzmann's hair, while the younger's hand was caressing the older's cheek. They seemed to go on forever, just being completely lost in each other. However, Erin pulled away just as Holtzmann began unbuttoning her uniform.

"No. Not right now," she said in her usual matter-of-fact tone. "I don't feel comfortable with that right now."

Holtzmann slightly frowned. Erin noticed this and said, "look I've had a rough night okay? Plus, we're just getting started with this relationship. Let's not move things too quickly." This caused Holtzmann to smirk.

"It wasn't that. It was just how you thought Whiny rhymed with Wendy. But let's forget about that right now. So, you like like me?" she asked innocuously, which Erin responded with a small "oh god" and laughter. That was a yes. 

"Can I ask you something?" Holtzmann said again.

Slightly confused, Erin said, "sure. What's wrong?" Her head was tilted slightly, making her look like a small puppy, which wasn't that far off from her usual self.

"You were crying in my chest just four minutes ago and now you're super cheery? Why's that?" the younger scientist asked. The older physicist laughed and said, "remember when I said I was bipolar? Yeah that's it right there." Her voice was that bitter kind of happiness that one would use when telling self-depreciating jokes.

Then, a knock came from the door. Holtzmann rushed to the door and found the pizza delivery man holding out their pizza.

"One large peppero-" he began until he noticed that he was only a few inches away from an actual Ghostbuster. Unable to process words, Holtzmann gave him the money. "Keep the tip, why don't ya?" she asked as she closed the door. When she returned to the bedroom, Erin was flipping through the television channels. She had quickly changed into her MIT sweatshirt and some pajama bottoms Holtzmann saw on the floor when she first arrived. 

"I figured that since you took the liberty to order a pizza, we could probably watch something. So, what do you wanna watch? I got premium cable TV, plus I have a lot of movies out in the living room," she asked. Holtzmann shrugged. She replied with a simple, "I don't know. What do you feel like watching?" This brought an idea to Erin. "I know just the thing!" she exclaimed as she got off the bed and walked to the living room.

The next thing Holtzmann knew, she was sitting on Erin's bed watching this film about a dude who wanted to get rid of the memories of his ex or something like that. She really couldn't follow along; all she focused on was Erin leaning on her shoulder, their hands being intertwined, and the little happy whimper she sometimes made. Everything was okay. Everything was fine. Holtzmann wanted to stay here forever, but she made the promise to a frantic Abby while Erin was taking her meds that they would swing back "soon" after a shitload of worrisome messages. 

"You think we can do this another time?" Erin asked as she grabbed another slice of pizza.

Holtzmann wrapped her arm around her shoulder and said, "any time you want."


End file.
